I am, by nature, a procrastinator. I put things off without ever having a proper reason to do so. “I’ll do it later” I say, mañana mañana – everything always happens tomorrow – well it would do if I ever actually did it. On the flip side I am also the kind of person who wants things done yesterday, if I’m waiting on someone to do something for me I see absolutely no reason why it can’t be done right there and then. I have no idea how I can be two types of people at the one time, it makes literally no sense.
I talk about being fed up with my job, not knowing what I want to do with my life but I never ever seem to do anything about it. I’ve been saying that I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up since I was 16. Which is fine, and perfectly normal when you’re 16 but now I’m 26 – I am a grown up – I still have no clue where I’m going in life. For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a author/journalist – writing a book is my absolute dream – until I had a horrific English teacher who put the fear of God in me and made me believe that I couldn’t do it. Suddenly the essays that had to be written to go along with the University applications for journalism courses were too much hassle & ‘I never really wanted to do that anyway’. I swear this is where my procrastinating days began and they haven’t stopped since. I constantly find pathetic reasons not to do things, for example, I really do want to make a go of this blog and get writing again but rarely post things because ‘my photography skills are shit’ or ‘I don’t have nice pictures to go along with my posts’. Seeing all these other blogs with the perfect photos and witty captions makes me feel like I’m not good enough, which is ridiculous because everybody has to start somewhere, right?
So I have decided to make a conscious effort to overcome any of the stupid obstacles that I come across – most of which I put in my own way. So what if my pictures aren’t great, I’m sure I’ll get better with a bit of practice. Don’t know what to write about? Just start typing and see what happens; if it’s awful so be it, at least I will have made the effort. I really need to stop being so negative about everything, after over 10 years of being a glass half empty kinda gal it’s beginning to take a toll on me and it has to stop. It’s doing no one any favours. I find people who are always positive and see the good in the worst of situations so inspiring, I’m going to aim to be one of those people. I’m not going to lie, it won’t be easy; I’ve had my struggles with depression in my teens/early 20s and PND after I had Connor but I’m out the other side of that now and don’t want to go back. I think that’s why I find it so hard to see the good in situations, I’m constantly thinking of any possible negative outcomes so that I’m prepared. Some might call it my coping mechanism but it’s getting to a point now that this way of dealing with things has made me the ultimate pessimist. I don’t want to be that person anymore, I want to be able to put my all into everything without holding back because of fear that it won’t turn out alright.
Stacey Leigh from Mummyandthebubbas posted a quote on Instagram the other day and it got me thinking about how I’m not a particularly upbeat person. I commented (not something I usually do) saying that being positive was something that I struggle with and I’m so glad that I did because her reply was simple but it made total sense and led me to this point.
‘Everyone has crap days and it’s okay not to feel positive all the time. Draw a line and think about all the positive things in your life. Each day write down one thing that you feel positive about.’
Such a straightforward idea but one that hadn’t occurred to me until it was pointed out. So this is my line. Nothing but good, happy thoughts from here on out. I know it won’t be easy and that there will be times when I struggle but I just have to remember what I have and where I want to be. I can’t stand in my own way any longer because really the only thing stopping me doing what I want to do is me.
You can find Stacey Leigh on Instagram here she’s definitely worth a follow, her feed is gorgeous and her positivity is infectious. Thank you Stacey for taking the time to reply to my comment, you’ve give me the kick up the backside I needed and you don’t even know it.